Sometimes the simplest answers are the hardest ones to find. I’ve been searching for some prolific answer to my burning question of who I am. I’ve been searching high and low, day in and day out for some profound explanation; racking my mind for a word or a phrase to help define who Mishael is, but to my dismay, NOTHING. How could such a simple question stump me SO BADLY. Out of the blue, while reflecting in the shower, it finally hit me. The answer has been right here all along, sitting there, staring at me.
Who am I?
I am me. Anticlimactic? Not at all.
What I’ve been searching for does not exist because there’s no single way to define my being. I’m so multi-faceted that no one-dimensional term could ever begin to define my existence; instead it would confine me and or trivialize the very things that make me so beautifully human. I’m quirky, I’m silly, I’m witty, I’m serious, I’m emotional, I’m beautiful and I’m creative. I could keep going because there are so many different ways to describe me but none of those words encompass enough meaning to completely or even partially define me.
None of my material possessions define me, nor does my employment or social circle. Did it really take me this long to realize that I am the answer that I’ve been looking for? I am all I need, and I’ve been all I’ve needed all along.
I’m not really a hip-hop head but every now and then a random verse will stick out in my mind. A couple of weeks ago, it was this Nicki Minaj verse:
Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint they own pictures then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
Now, think what you want about Ms Minaj, I’m not here trying to say she’s so philosophical or a lyrical mastermind. That’s a different conversation, on a different day and probably on a different blog as well (lol). But THIS verse… This verse right here… It says something to me.
I was trying to box myself in by thinking that a term or a phrase was what I needed to define myself. I felt like I had to say “I am Mishael the Flight Attendant” or I am “Mishael the Art Consultant.” But that’s not who I am.
I am Mishael. Period. I am my own definition.
There’s so much more I want to say about this epiphany but for now I’ll reflect on this.
a. A sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.